Having a lot of time on my hands lately (working on my business and all) has been teaching me new things about myself, most of them not very flattering. I’ve come face to face with my rotten core, the one who suffers from severe procrastination, lack of discipline, lack of concentration, doesn’t prioritize and always has an excuse for when things go bad (don’t get me wrong, that self has been working her a** off on this project, but I believe she could have done more, in better ways).
Maybe fears and frustrations finally needed to all come out and be addressed at once. Maybe the focus should have been more on finding a solution. But in the end, I know that all of this has actually been helping me see myself as I really am and grow out of it.
Speaking of procrastination: lately, my man and I have discovered a new, interesting, amusing way of wasting time together, which is puzzle solving. We already knew we made a darn great team, so immediately after assembling our first 1000 piece New York landscape puzzle, we started looking for a new one and found this beautiful surreal photograph by Thomas Barbey, called “Inner course”. I looked him up (he’s also known as the musician Tom Hooke) and…got hooked on both his visual and audio art (among other things, he composes italo-disco music, the kind of songs our parents used to play at parties in the 90’s – if you’re a millennial, then you will understand what I’m talking about and feel the nostalgia).
Source: Pinterest
But then one thing led to another and I was now curious to know how the most difficult puzzles in the world (the Level 10s) looked like. Fortunately, curiosity didn’t kill the cat this time, insted it opened doors to a new and amazing place called Popplock and ruled by Rainer Popp who designs and releases one different trick lock every year, in a limited amount of items, only for the connaisseurs. That being said, one must know that the purchase starts with a lottery followed by an email that states whether or not you are qualified to participate further on. The price for such a lock puzzle can go up to 1500$ (that is IF you pass the qualification test) and the knowledgeable say it’s worth every cent.
But enough about puzzles, although they’re quite fascinating i believe. I’m trying to find a way to address the real problem, which is my firm belief that everything around us must be questioned and explored, that there is nothing but uncertainty and that nothing should be taken for granted without being personally dissected into small bits. Terence, the Roman playwright comes to mind, with his “humo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto”* that opened some sort of Pandora’s box and now it’s impossible for me to go back to where I was one year ago.
The point is that I don’t remember using the words “conspiracy theory” any time before last year, when I did it to mock a friend who was advising me to keep my spiritual eyes open at all times to the things much greater than ourselves happening in the world having nothing to do with common sense and human logic. He tried not to feed me too much information at once because I was still reluctant to it, but the seed had been planted. So the strange, curious girl inside me went home, did some digging up and became restless and a little bit frightened ever since. Instead, her curiosity never ceased to grow.
Books and documentaries have been passing before my eyes since that day carrying the heaviness of endless questions, centuries of names, numerological recurrences, symbols, prophecies, Mandela effects, possible explanations for paranormal occurrences, interviews, ideas, expositions, morphism, reptilians, clones, Illuminati, The CIA and MK Ultra programming, 9/11 having been predicted long before it happened through cartoons and the media, Hollywood and the music industry believed to be the root of all evil, hidden meanings in songs played in reverse, Anton LaVey’s “do what thou wilt”, demon possessions, the Rothschilds, handlers, Marina Abramović, occult ceremonies, Manly P. Hall, illusionists and magic, Elites and their 21 Agenda, stories about people having sold their soul to the Devil and many more.
Despite all that, I still want to believe that nothing of this is real. I wish I could go back to the simpler times, where music was just music to me and not a way to manipulate the youth (or was it?). I want to go back to adoring Erykah Badu without questioning her spiritual enlightenment and her songs’ lyrics. And I know how crazy it may sound to some and maybe it is – how I wish it all was just a bad, uninspired joke concocted by haters and trolls, but something tells me it’s much more than that (could it be David Icke?). I have no idea why I’ve started looking everywhere for signs, maybe I’m tired of feeling small, maybe it’s just my brain telling me that I’m focusing on the wrong things, maybe is my fear of ignorance, maybe this is how insanity manifests itself in some of the earlier stages, maybe like so many others, I’m not yet ready to know more, but can’t deny that something is happening.
And then there is Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes wide shut” movie exposing some bizarre occult rituals and raising some more questions. I must admit I’m not a big fan of his movies except for “The Shining”, but there is something hypnotizing about this one. For example the score to the “Masked ball” scene composed by Joycelyn Pook is actually built around a recording of Romanian priests singing Orthodox liturgy played in reverse initialy called “Backward priests”.
I know now that, in order to find something truly beautiful, long hours, maybe even days or weeks need to be spent searching through dusty, dangerous, manipulating, stupidifying corners of the internet, but the moment you have found that one amazing thing, it will take you to the moon and back, to the deepest, most serene and unharmed core of you: your soul. It will feel sublime and then crush you, possess you, give you wings and sink you in the abyss of impermanence, phases of desperation and catharsis will bring your greatest fears to life yet remind you that love and the whole universe is there, inside, buried deep among all the things you’ve become.
And you will travel through all these places without even having to leave your room.
To me, it happened when this creepy picture of a screaming afro head coming out from the ground accidentally popped up on my You Tube page. It was entitled “Maggot brain”. I didn’t know what to expect, it was intriguing. So I pushed “play” and all I remember is the chain of emotions I was subjected to.
“Maggot brain” was composed and performed by Funkadelic, a Detroit psychedelic rock band from the 1970s and comes with a deeply emotional background story. George Clinton, one of the band members, allegedly told the lead guitarist Eddie Hazel to play as if he had been told his mother was dead and then learned it was not true, which resulted in a “mind-melting emotional apocalypse of sound” that was recorded in just one take. This is what I want to leave you with because it is sublime how the guitar speaks to you if you listen to the riffs growing from sadness to pain, to desperation, to madness, to numbness, because it is powerful and brutally honest and it makes you think of the depths and profundities you can only be reached when you know you will not be given a second chance.
*I am a human being and thus nothing human is alien to me
Green Eyed Kisses,
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