If someone were to come to me in a year or so and ask ”Hey, how did survive 2020? Must’ve been really hard for you, huh…? Lost your job, your relationship failed miserably, you had to find a new place to live and start all over again, alone, far away from loved ones…and then this pandemic hit and brought even more uncertainty and desperation to all of us…Hell on earth, I tell you! It must’ve been really hard.” I would probably just smile subtly, sigh imperceptibly, then look them straight in the eyes (already knowing the effect my response would have, but standing by my experience) and reply exuberantly, like I have many times before “Are you freakin’ kidding me? 2020 was the best year of my life and, in many, many ways, the first year of my life. 2020 was nothing less than a miracle.” and my eyes would shine, confirming and accentuating every. single. word.
See, I knew it. Your eyes keep getting wider and wider like they could pop out any second now, you don’t believe I’m serious either. Maybe I’ve gone a bit coo-coo in isolation, like so many others have? “Is she alright? The virus must have gotten into her brain and damaged large portions of it. Poor insane girl. Look at her, she’s too young to be mad, there’s a whole life ahead of her for that. Oh well…what can you do? At least I’m swell, have a stable job which pays for my mortgage, my car and all the things I keep buying for myself… Good for me. Poor little girl though. But thank God I’m alright and nothing’s changed in my life. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverything is the same. I’m the same. Hey, what a relief, huh?”
And after you’re done feeling sorry for me, I will repeat what I just said, more sure of myself than ever: “2020 was the best freaking year of my life losses and all, endings and all, struggles and all, uncertainties and all, because what I gained in return was more than I could ever have asked for. 2020 gave me abso-effin-lutely everything.”
It taught me more lessons in ten months than I have learned in my whole life. Challenged me more than I’ve ever been challenged. Stretched every limit of me to the point of breaking me, but never allowed me to give in. Brought out every single version of me, to be improved and updated. It was probably the hardest year of my life as well, but I wouldn’t know, because of all the blessings it showered me with. This year changed everything about, inside and around me to the point of no return.
It answered some of the most important questions on concepts like love, pain, purpose, death, patience, God, isolation, truth, friendship, happiness, loyalty, changed my thought pattern from “why me” to “why not me”, brought back the ’80s with their love songs, taught me how to cry again, how to be a child, a soldier and an old, wise woman and everything in between.
Taught me how to walk in the rain without splashing water all over the back of my tights and trousers (trust me, that in itself is a huge accomplishment).
Taught me how to break the rules and cut the chains of old mentalities. Showed me that there is always a way out and that nothing is set in stone. That there are no limits to anything you put your mind and soul to. It taught me that everything I need is always right here, inside of me and that as long as I trust my gut, I’ll be alright whatever happens.
It made me realize how much I’ve been missing myself, how disconnected I’ve been. It made me feel alive, truly alive for the first time. It made me work on myself more and on levels deeper than I ever have and right in the middle of the healing, I fell in love with myself for the first time in years and I’ll be damned if I ever stop.
It showed me the magnificence of playfulness, of not taking myself so seriously all the time, taught me how to look at myself in the mirror, like it’s my best friend on the other side, someone I really love and admire unconditionally, someone I have to be honest to even if it hurts, because I want them to reach their full potential.
It gave me the courage to break some of my unhealthiest patterns and the determination to turn down a job, a really good job, a job that came to me without even applying for it, a job I’d wished for and the wisdom to realize that, in the end, it would still be just another job and I was meant for so much more than to work – I was meant to create.
It gave me all the time in the world to experiment, play, engage in all sorts of activities and figure out what truly lights up my inner fire. It completely changed my lifestyle from waking up or going to sleep at torturous hours working in a restaurant, to living a bohemian life spent mostly in the room I’d share with pigeons and mice (yeah, all that happened), deconstructing and reconstructing necklaces, writing poetry, listening to jazz and Alan Watts, healing wounds, meditating, journaling, crying, dancing, transcending, becoming, misbehaving, coming to peace with my shadows, being grateful for everything – speaking of which, it taught me that I don’t deserve anything, neither of us do, therefore making every random gesture of kindness seem like the greatest gift, breathing it in, being truly thankful and paying it forward tenfold.
Yes, there might still be a bunch of different things I enjoy doing, as there always have and confusion regarding which one makes me happy above all other, but at least now I trust myself enough to believe I am perfectly capable of launching my own business so that some day I could leave my own mark, a legacy, an inspiring collection of all the things I’ve been. Not there yet, but working on it.
It brought me to the realization that reality is not just something that is, but something we create every day through our thoughts and the feelings we project into the world. With every moment that passes, we are given a choice.
2020 made me see that I am the most amazing woman I know and can’t wait to spend the rest of my life finding out what else there is and how far this woman can go.
It is yet to teach me humbleness, but we’ve still got two months left.
It definitely taught me that in order for me to truly love someone else, I first have to adore myself, be my biggest fan and most tenacious critic. It taught me the importance of consistency in relationships.
It carried me from fear of spiders and alarm systems to fearlessness, showed me I can be very, very happy with almost no money in my pocket and no perspective of making any in the near future. It even taught me bang cutting as well as the importance of keeping important documents in order (long story short, all of my remaining fears have come to bite me in the ass this year, but who runs the world? – girls – so I’ll be alright – and no, I’m still not a feminist).
2020 showed me how much I strive in uncertainty and unexplored territories, in places others don’t even dare think about accessing, but mostly in places where chaos reigns. It completely de-brain washed me and pushed me away from the Matrix, gave me superpowers that are yet to be unraveled and pretty much saved me.
2020 saved my life. In every single way.
But above all, it brought out the Artist in me, something that none of it’s predecessors was able to do.
So….yeah, forgive me if 2020 was the best freakin’ year of my life (and I’ve only mentioned like half of the things it left me with) and truly I’m sorry if nothing changed for you.
Green Eyed Kisses,
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