De t a c h i n g (Twice & For All)

 

Regardless of

whatever you or they may think,

must have taken me

– not one –

but two

sets of balls

to go through with it:

 

to leave him for you

and set you free to get myself back

 

I did all I could, you must believe me

I even tried to rip us off quickly

like when you remove a Band Aid

so it doesn’t hurt

as much

but in matters of the heart

it doesn’t work like that

apparently

  

Yes, I may have burnt all the bridges that could

have taken me back to you

some day

yet

there is nothing I would’ve done differently

not a blink

not a grimace

or my hair

not a necklace would I have worn less

not a dress more

no confession would I take back given the chance

no smile

no blushing cheeks

no frown

no fight

and definitely not the hot mess I’ve made

 

out of all that

 

not even the “I love you more than you’ll ever understand”

that had always been standing between us

like a perpetually unaddressed room elephant…

 

there’s nothing I would apologize to you or them for

no shame

no regrets

on this end

only fearlessness of what is to come

and a sense of knowing I made the right choice

even though I lost

everything else

and how they stood there preparing to call my bluff

thinking they had me all figured out

– amateurs –

didn’t know who they were dealing with

 

I believe that

If we’re ever to meet again,

we are going to

if not, so be it

 

I can live knowing I may never see you again

I’m not saying it won’t hurt, because it always will

in corners of myself I never knew existed

before you appeared

but I’ll manage the pain

after all, I am a soldier with a weapon unlike any other

– not one –

but two

sets of balls

at my disposal

to start all over again in some other place and slay more demons with

no rest until I kill them all

  

This is who I’ve become

This is how strong you’ve made me

This is how free I want my love to have made you

today,

as I remember us,

in all our wide-eyed weirdness and uncertainty and splendor,

two people who fought to the death for what they believed in

until one of them grew

– not one –

but two

sets of balls

and made the final decision.