Miss Sovereign

I don’t know how else to say it without being hurtful and harsh, so I’ll just say it, regardless of the consequences.

It feels like everything is coming into place, like it’s all finally starting to make sense. I finally feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be for the first time in a very, very long time. It’s liberating. I get to do what I want, when I want to, if I want to. I get to be myself in a safe space, a space that’s becoming more and more a part of me, more than any place has ever been. There is so much light around me. And love. And patience. And wisdom. And beauty. And peace. And change. And jazz. And laughter. And colour. And independence. There is so much more becoming to do surrounded by these white walls. This is the closest thing to home I’ve ever had. I’m guessing this is what home is supposed to feel like, since I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I’ve freed myself in so many ways, I almost can’t believe it’s real. I’m learning to breathe on my own again. There is so much room to grow, I can’t wait to see what else life has to offer. And there is no greater feeling than this.

I have a sip of cold Pepsi and look around. It all turned out alright. All the struggle, all the pain, all the tears, all the kneeling, all those battles have finally come to an end. But they were all worth it. Everything is perfect now, every corner of this room is different. I am a totally different person than I was two months ago.  I honestly couldn’t ask for anything more. I have everything. I am part of everything, queen of my castle. There is finally happiness within and all around me.

 

I used to live somewhere in North Acton, I’ve lived there for almost the entire time I’ve been in London, which is more than three years. A common house next to a railway in a poor neighbourhood, surrounded mostly by Polish people who spoke broken English and were too complacent about their condition to even think about changing anything in their miserable lives. So they drank beer, took drugs, rose children and got into constant fights with their simple, Polish women. I couldn’t bring anyone to that house, I was too ashamed to. But I didn’t do anything about it, I thought that was who I had become and what I deserved for being one of the many non-English London inhabitants.

But I tried, we both did. God knows we tried to make it better. We had our hopes and dreams, worked like slaves, took more bullshit than we could possibly swallow, accepted jobs that would make us feel less than we were, put some money aside, put vacations on hold, made great plans, got stuck in an absolute routine, started preparing for a wedding that was never supposed to happen, stopped believing in magic. Something was missing. Something important I couldn’t put my finger on but knew I couldn’t live without anymore.

 

So one day in December of  2019, I decided that something needed to change in my life. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t alive, but someone who had gotten caught up in a toxic routine, someone who’s life e was living them instead of it being the other way around. I had given up control over my own actions, I had gotten sucked in this mediocre, unfulfilling existence, in a place next to a highway that had nothing to do with me, that could have never been home. I guess I’ve always felt it, but was never ready or brave enough to admit it to myself.

  

Yes, it took me a while to get here from that revelatory moment, but it has given me the chance to fall in love with the brave girl who took that decision for me. She has given me myself and my life back. She has given me more than words can express.

This is to her.

 

Green Eyed Kisses,