The Unshown

Smiles from ear to ear, freedom, playfulness. Intuition. Spring. Light. Endless possibilities. The whole world at the tip of my pinky finger. Abundance. Taking a deep breath in and getting that “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be” type feeling. Peace of mind. Allowing the Universe to take over. Gratitude. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Giving back. Strength. Earth, water, fire, air. Joie de vivre. No fear. No footnotes. No regrets, regardless of the outcome. A whole lotta’ unconditional love for everything and everyone.

What you don’t see is the amount of work it took me to get to this point (also, the lower side of my legs, but that is irrelevant to this story).

I’ve been gone living for a while, having had some serious growing up to do, but, baby, am I back now!

In the meantime, I’ve been doing some self work, gained a few pounds, got a great job, avoided some calls, read Bukowski, discovered a place that has great coffee (that’s now closed due to this Coronavirus pandemic), crossed paths with amazing new people, bought things I didn’t need just because they gave me a feeling of “I’ve got to have it right now”, went to a concert for theremin and orchestra, got engaged the same night (ladies, don’t be too quick in getting all envious, it’s not the case here), overcame two of my heaviest, most deeply rooted fears: that of alarms and that of kitchens (the latter actually turned out to be quite an enjoyable experience), got the perfect wedding dress online for only $200 from an Oxfam charity shop – Edwardian style, silk, designer, never been worn, a little too big for me, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed, found the perfect venue, set the date, hired a DJ and the best photographer I could find (Vanilla Roads), put together the wedding playlist I’d started on ten years ago when I didn’t even know who I was going to marry – I still don’t and it’s fine, I’m not in a hurry to find out anyway, played less jazz and more hip-hop – it felt empowering and it actually changed the way I walk, made some clever remarks and loved me some wordplay (like that time I called a guy I know Pen Stiller, case he was stealing pens – see what I did there?), found love and that made me question everything I thought I’d been looking for, hanged the wedding dress on a wall, stared at it until it started to feel like it was mocking me, wrote a poem about the fear of it, got to some painful conclusions, decided to move out of the house and energies I’d been putting up with for far too long, had awful nightmares and epiphanies until they all turned into an awakening, lost weight, found God, smoked weed (a lot! but I’ll be trying to quit, I promise), smothered whatever was left of my Christmas spirit in it’s sleep with a pillow until it was absolutely dead, then buried it in the backyard, danced naked in the bathroom mirror, cried naked in the bathroom mirror, expanded, broke off the engagement but continued to wear the ring on a chain as a pendant (still wearing it, it’s a part of my life story), felt ugly, then beautiful, healed some shit through self-hypnosis, discovered a new me, free from social programming and fell a little bit in love with her (still am and I hope it never goes away), read some more Bukowski, went back to Romania, couldn’t keep my mouth shut, lost my temper, cut some ties there, released the love (or so I thought), lost the job, tried to masturbate thinking about him but it just didn’t feel right, bought a book by Demetri Martin, held on to God, then realized that the love had always been there, within and all around, I’d just been too small to see the bigger picture, tried on shoes, ended a cycle, prepared myself for the next one (still am, I feel it hasn’t begun yet), chewed gum, got into Tarot readings, found a new, cosy place to move into, learned patience and other lessons, started feeling like an important part of the plan.

But I’ve somehow survived all this and now I’m back. To stay (since this Coronavirus madness, I have nothing better to do anyway).

Green Eyed Kisses,