I am still learning about myself
and apologise to all of those who get hurt in the process.
This year, for my birthday, I received the kind of gifts no money in the world can buy – my libraness had been taken from me and I was starting to worry I would never get it back again. And poof! I opened my eyes and there it was, all around me, in those other libras I’d suddenly encounter and connect with, but most of all, within me again and just in time for my 33rd – numerologists and the superstitious might agree that the number itself could have something to do with the changes I’ve been going through.
Ego doesn’t exist anymore. No more choosing the wrong battles to fight in or the wrong causes to fight for. I’m above all that now. I’m me, owning my splendid imperfection, vulnerable and strong and humorous and honest and always a friend to the misunderstood and the fragile, with my universe and feminine style and fear of alarm systems and temper and lovely telephone manner.
I keep having this wonderful feeling that my vibrations are rising on much higher levels than ever before. All anxiety, negativity and fear are being taken off my shoulders by invisible hands and replaced with truth, intuition, power and kindness, it is liberating and everything I’ve ever dreamed of feeling someday.
The music, the restlessness in finding my own answers, the isolation, the need to leave people and situations behind, my intuition telling me to get up, open the door and run, the injustice I’d stand up against with every chance I’d get and by any means necessary, the rebellion, the love I’d give without waiting for feedback, the repetitive pull – inexplicable at the time – to Bukowski’s “All the way”, the good I’ve done, the grief over all that is beyond resurrection, the unbearable fear of mediocrity, the neverending obstacles I’ve overcome on my own, the constant inner fight and all the epiphanies I’ve been having – they have all prepared me for the ascension.
I am ready.
There is no more running away, only facing what is right at this moment and impossible to change.
Fear and giving up without a fight are no longer an option for me.
And I felt like calling my mom the other day, in desperate need for a name and a meaning to all the emotions I’ve been having and a different perspective over my struggle. So I rambled and rambled about all of the above for about ten minutes. I was excited and a little frightened and confident and had all answers to her questions. I wasn’t even looking for advice, I just needed her to understand me, I needed her to be proud of me, I needed her to say something, anything. But there was silence. She couldn’t comprehend. She didn’t find any comforting words to say. She just breathed in the microphone, trying to put all the information together.
And I knew she thought I had lost my mind.
But I know what I know and I’m leaving. This time I’ll be all alone on my path, but are we truly alone, with a whole universe inside and the gods’ guidance?
