It feels liberating to be able to put my thoughts onto paper again, after such a long time of silence…four years or so, to be (almost) exact – don’t remember the day, month or year I posted last and it doesn’t even matter, but I recall the state of mind I was in – an utter, inconsolable mess filled with anger, defeat, loss, depression, pain, confusion, desperation and an unbearable amount of shame. All my past, unhealed wounds had started to come to the surface and from there, the decline that followed would have been impossible to stop.
And it’s funny to me how imprinted into my being this website is – an extension of myself really, so much so that coming back to it and myself after such a long, painful labour made me remember almost everything, immediately – the journey, the random thoughts, the obsessions, the many facets of my personality, the old versions, the improvements, the abundance, the distortions, the ugliness, the courage, the empathy and sometimes the lack thereof, the wrong turns, the fears, the paths I was courageous enough to take, the ones I wasn’t brave enough to, the sorrow, the guilt, the poetry, the madness (especially the madness) – except for my password, but I eventually remembered that too – the hands were guiding me there with an ease that seemed foreign, but the mind was ready to expand and open up just like before, everything the same, everything inside me ready to burst open once again, only this time a little bit more grounded, with a little bit more self awareness and healing under my belt.
At times I cringe when reading some of my old posts and I wish I could hug the girl that I was back then, comfort her, take some of that excruciating pain away somehow, tell her she desperately needs for someone to hear her concealed cries for help and protect her from herself, her mind and all the demons she’d been trying so hard to suppress until she couldn’t. The little girl who single handedly brought herself to the point of insanity thinking it would be another great form of escape from the pain of reality. So many things I’d tell her, but then again, luckily, she is still living through me and all I can do is be gentle and have compassion for myself so her final sacrifice will not have been for nothing. Sometimes I forget that in order for me to be here today, SHE had to self-destroy.
Other times I am in awe of the colorful ways in which she used to express herself and the powerful messages that sometimes transpired though her words, feel a little proud, a little nervous and perhaps a little more than excited to have regained the need and power to write, once again. And although sometimes painful, even impossible to read in a state of sobriety and clarity, I still wouldn’t want to erase that part of myself that was in shambles, lacked self awareness, therefore hurt the people she loved most and then herself. She is and forever will be part of my story, she remains here, all over these pages, everywhere and anywhere I go, to remind me that I am but human, deeply flawed, imperfect just like everyone else and that I should constantly try to do and be better.
Nonetheless, there is a certain comfort in knowing her values, principles and most of the things that she used to stand for remained unscathed even during the most difficult times…and if temporarily lost in the process, they have been retrieved, one by one. Yes, I’m still unvaxxed (but I now understand the other side of the story too, the fear of losing a dear one to the virus, the panic, the peer pressure, the uncertainty, the horrors shown all over the world on the news and I am sorry for all the certainty with which I used to spew my opinions back then), still vegetarian, still stand by the few and am still as unmarried and relationshipless as ever because I finally understand and embody all the things I’m made of, honour every bit and piece of my universe and I simply can’t allow myself half measures – I want it all or nothing at all and I’m in no hurry. I still believe in true love – I know it exists, I know I’ve felt it with my whole being and that my soul expanded in ways I didn’t think were possible for a mere mortal and I don’t think one could receive or offer a greater, more precious gift to another fellow human. I still believe in fairness, the healing power of music and animals, still do whatever I can to cultivate the book that I am rather than the cover, am very suspicious of people who are certain about anything (and to think that used to be me), never watch TV, still trust Life and still look for goodness in others and myself relentlessly.
I also gave up weed – easiest thing I’ve done by a long shot, turns out I was never addicted, just desperate to find some sort of peace inside my ever ruminating mind…
I am now finally ready to talk about death, rebirth, my own version of Hell and Heaven, my greatest fears, all the things I am grateful for, the trauma, the pain, the depression, my struggles, the terrible guilt I feel for having hurt others, some newfound bits of wisdom, past mistakes, the strange times we live in, how I finally took my life back and perhaps even about the way I see existence now, many years later, after the pain, intensity and anger have finally been replaced with gratitude – as they should have – for having been a part of this marvelous and humbling experience, after everything has become more clear and some new meanings have been extracted.
Now, let another chapter of the journey begin!
To be continued…
Green Eyed Kisses,