DARK SIDE

I haven’t touched the keys to write for so long, I’m afraid I’ve lost the power of taming the words. So excuse my lack of coherence and flow. I’ll just pour my heart out as it is. I’ll just say what needs saying with no unncessary embellishments.

I have to start from somewhere, don’t I? Because the story is still writing itself and perhaps my story needs to be heard by someone, so they don’t repeat my mistakes. Perhaps I can save someone from falling as I have. I never thought I’d say this, but look hard at this woman, whose experience so far is nothing more than a cautionary tale. I pray to God it’s not too late and that adjustments can be made, because otherwise, all this struggle will have been nothing more than a failed attempt at living, like many others. So far, I’ve failed. I failed miserably at understanding life. My life, life in general. I missed the signs, I didn’t get the lessons.

I’d become so obsessed with being the best I could be, that I forgot to simply be.

 

I’ve gotten closer to death than ever. I smelled it. Called it upon me. It grabbed me by my hands and I almost caved in. I rose my eyes and there stood the Devil, watching, waiting for me to make the last move. To make it deffinitive.

But once again, I’m still here, putting the pieces together, trying to make sense out of everything I’ve been through and fight for my life. Life…such a fragile thing.  

I thought I’d found the meaning to all this, I thought I’d found my purpose, I thought my fight alone was great enough to withstand all obstacles, thought I had enough love for myself to keep me going, thought the love I had for everyone else was never to reach it’s limit. So I gave and gave and gave until I was left with nothing.

I thought I’d forgiven myself, thought I’d found myself, thought I finally had a good answer to the question ‘after all, who am I’? And ,most importantly, I truly believed I’d found God in all the chaos unleashing around me and that my inner being was finally at peace with all that exists in a beautiful,marvelous world. I thought I’d found balance.

I was wrong. I couldn’t have been further away from the truth.

At one point, everything was so intense, as if my whole life, past, present and future was right there, inside me, developing at once. A whole year, a moment, it was all there. Glimpses of what was and what could’ve been. Colours. Infinite possibilities. The heart, pulsating, in tune with the whole Earth. Heaven and Hell. Jesus and Lucifer. Darkness and light. Courage and fear. Day and night. A single moment. In that moment, my father’s pain got transferred to me. I could feel it in my bones. I could understand his mistakes. His desperation. His loneliness. That pain then multiplied, becoming more than I could bear. And then…nothing. I became numb, as if I was never going to be able to feel anything ever again. I’d lost the fight. I couldn’t save anyone, not even myself. My soul was removed from my chest and that was Hell. The spark in my eyes was gone. My world had become empty, everything I loved was now turning against me, mocking me. A million summer suns couldn’t’ve brought back the warmth and light I’d lost. There was no more meaning to anything. I was cold. My body had no divine spark to feed from, to stay alive. I’d lost my inner child and by that I mean I lost everything, everything that truly mattered. I became a carcass, an empty shell. An animal, reduced to almost nothing.  I got lost in my own mind and oh, the demons that came to light were more frightening than anything you can imagine. I felt disconnected and forever lost in a monstrous reality that was in fact my own unhealed dark side. And then…I descended into the most terrifying place a person can experience.

 

They say that Heaven and Hell are within us and that every choice catapults us straight into one or the other. I sent myself to Hell one night and for a very long time, it seemed as if I was never to find my way out.

(to be continued)

 

Green Eyed Kisses,