It’s not “YOU”, It’s “ME”

You can’t take back past experiences. There is no one to blame – not you, not them – you all did what you could. The best you could do at that time. But everything happened to you for a reason, is what you are now convinced of, beyond the shadow of a doubt. You had to suffer so you’d earn the happiness that had been waiting for you on the other side of pain. Had to lose everything so you’d dare to imagine a new reality for yourself and conjure the inner magician to create it.  Had to be put on your knees so you’d finally understand your worth. Had to be left for dead so you’d gain the strength to stand up and fight for yourself. Had to be excluded from certain social circles to realize you were meant to design your own social circle, where only a few privileged ones are allowed. Had to be bread crumbed so you’d truly appreciate someone who’s been trying to get to know you. Most of all, you had to find out what you were made of.

But you didn’t know all these things then, all you could feel was pain and a distinct voice whispering “Something is wrong here. Save yourself!”

And you did, but the pain remained, it was deep, it was the only thing that stayed after everything else got destroyed. And when you are left with nothing but pain, alone, wounded, bleeding, you take a deep breath and ask yourself “why?” not to blame, but to understand and to forgive. To move on. You know it won’t be easy, you know it will take time, but you have to do it. You owe it to yourself and most importantly,

YOU OWE IT TO YOUR FUTURE SELF.

She doesn’t have anything to do with this, she deserves a fresh start. She deserves better. She deserves to be happy. She needs to emerge from a place of freedom, she will not come out into this world in shackles, like you. She doesn’t have to, because you are here now doing what you’re doing.

  

SO KEEP DOING IT. I KNOW IT HURTS, BUT THERE’S SO MUCH BEAUTY IN IT. FIND THAT.

Paradoxically enough, the less sense you make of your new life spent between agony and extasy, in constant shape shifting mode, caught between revelations and dreams, between fear and trust,   the more you know you’ve been chosen for something truly spectacular that hasn’t even begun yet. You can’t see anything, but you feel it. All you can do is wait, but as you wait, you make a decision, probably the biggest decision you’ve ever made.

WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU WILL NEVER GO BACK TO BEING LIKE THEM. YOU WILL STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF UNTIL THE END.

You learn to love yourself and the iron shackles are slowly melting, after numerous sleepless nights and foodless, perhaps even waterless days, after kilos of cheap coffee and the most surreal sunrises right there, in your backyard, and Alan Watts philosophising about the most complicated things in life in the simplest way, after hours and hours spent with the Stoics of past centuries you realize that they, along with Bukowski’s poems, the room you oftentimes share with pigeons, your music and…YOU, yourself are the only true friends you’ve ever had and this, this right here, is the only happiness you’ve ever known. And it’s perfect. You already have everything right here, in your small, solitary world. There is nothing more you could ask for.

IT’S THE SMALL THINGS THAT TRULY MATTER. YOU. ALREADY. HAVE. EVERYTHING. YOU MADE IT ALL HAPPEN.

You don’t see it right away, but every little thing you say and do matters. By now, you realize you are both a teacher and a student. So you teach, learn and stay humble. There is always more to teach, to learn. We are all interconnected. We are all here for a reason. You don’t take moments and people for granted. The most insignificant things become your greatest treasures. This is all you have and you learn not to need anything else. A strangely shaped instrument you didn’t know existed, a beautiful dead bird you find on your way to who knows where, the smile a stranger gives you randomly on a Tuesday afternoon but you know it’s not random and that you are not really strangers and it might not even be a Tuesday (but who cares, because time doesn’t exist in the reality you’ve created), an old song you rediscover, a blonde coffee with three brown sugars at Starbucks, the sourdough you sometimes get for free at Gail’s because Veronica is a sweetheart and they think you’re a sweetheart too, your friend needing a quick fix on her bangs and you, offering to help, the fact that you can walk and see and smell and sense beyond the obvious, your curious mind, deciding to learn the names of the people in the neighbourhood you most interact with (Naveed and Arsalan, the night shift guys at Nissa, Joao, the tall gentleman who welcomes you to Tesco, Natalie, the lady who asks strangers for spare change near the Shepherd’s Bush Underground station, Marietta, the Spanish lady from Traid who always puts her hand on your shoulder and asks “how are you today?”), finding another limit to cross, living on the edge, in the unknown, not one dull moment, just like you’ve always wanted…

YOU GO DEEPER INTO FEELINGS OF HUMBLENESS AND GRATITUDE. YOU ALSO LEARN HOW MUCH POWER LIES IN BOTH THOSE QUALITIES.

What you do is who you become and you begin by pouring a bit of soul even in the most mundane activities, like the way you cut the bread or how you hand someone a spoon, hoping it would catch up or just make someone’s day a little bit easier to bear. You give and give and give some more, until you don’t even realize you’re doing it. Until it becomes your second nature. Every gesture matters, every word matters. It can turn into a scar, a weapon, it can save or enslave someone’s mind. One word. You understand how powerful you are and make a solemn promise to yourself always to use it for the good. You are here to serve. To inspire. To restore faith. To give back a little. To shout at the top of your lungs that

ALL IS NOT LOST. IT NEVER WAS. NEVER WILL IT BE.

Your whole existence is based on that statement.

You laugh more (if that’s even possible), make all kinds of faces and worry less about your problems. They are not problems, they are augmented fears. Fears need to be addressed. Address them. More lessons to be learned. You already know what you need to do and you don’t lament to others. They won’t be able to help you from where they’re at. You are your own master, you take responsibility for your own life. Bear your cross serenely and with decency, you know it isn’t, nor has it ever been the hardest to bear of all the crosses of all the men you’ve known – but always try to make it a little easier for others to bear theirs.

You embrace change with open arms and refuse to ever let yourself float in that old comfort zone that’s become so familiar, not for a second longer. You get up and do what must be done. Right now. This is where your life begins. This is how you test yourself to see if you have really learned those lessons you keep yakkity-yacking about. And if you have, trust me:

THE UNIVERSE WILL GIVE YOU THE STORY.

You know, the story you’ve been trying to put together, the one for the grandchildren? Just when you thought you already had it, that’s when it hits you and completely catches you off guard: you ain’t lived nothing yet. The story you already thought was the story of your life…was only the opening credits to a story that was being written for you, behind the scenes and you…you’ve been absolutely clueless about it.

Trust me, your life is just about to begin and everything you thought you knew about it must be unlearned or at least revisited. Again. And just when you thought you had everything figured out. Of course you’re scared, who wouldn’t be? But you’ll be alright. You’ve done nothing but train for this. And if you really think about it, if you look back and then glance at your hands, fingers, thumbs…it’s all actually starting to make sense. Or maybe not. No, it’s complete madness! But you’ll do it anyway…

How do I know?

Oh, I know…

  

Green Eyed Kisses,