Upside Down

I tried your way. I tried your way for thirty-two years – friend, father, teacher, community, church, employer, government, ex lover. I tried to please you, be your best girl, make you proud – nothing worked.

I tried to do the things you wanted, how you wanted me to and it still wasn’t enough. My way would never have worked out, you said; I was either too much or too little. I begged you to stop giving instructions, observe and listen, just once. Choose me of all people and let your eyes lock with mine for a moment, in complete silence. Read between the lines of my gibberish. Dig deep. No words. Get to know me.

I prayed you’d see something in me, something that would make you think “She’s special. There’s just something different about her. I believe in this girl.” But you never did. I waited for you to give me permission to follow my greatest dreams, wherever they may have called me, but you caressed my hair and said ordinary people like us have nothing but their dreams. I waited for you to recognize the potential in me, for thirty-two years. Gave you chance after chance after chance to teach me freedom and love and life, when you have never really experienced either.

  

You would have wanted me to walk this earth just like everyone else – a follower of those who know better than me – you, perhaps – and without causing too much of a fuss. But I’m loud, I have strong, unshakeable opinions and don’t mind a little controversy. I’m both a lover and a fighter. And you never liked that about me, be honest. You insisted it was for my own good to let you reshape and resize me to fit the general pattern and I let you. But that was my mistake. You’d always embellish your preachings with parables, but they were monotonous and rigid and I couldn’t sense any emotion behind the words. No meaning. No depth. No understanding. No fight. Just empty slogans. The same old slogans, for thirty-two years. I couldn’t feel you, but I believed you. I was too small to make a difference, you once told me, so I believed you. You would have always wanted me there, by your side, tamed and quiet and a little bit helpless so you could always have control over me – and it worked. You had me at your command – friend, father, teacher, church, community, employer, government, ex lover – for thirty-two years.

But nothing good came out of that. I kept feeling lost. My shoulders, heavy with your burdens. Something just didn’t make sense. And above all, you kept letting me down. Over and over and over again.

Until I woke up one day and decided there was more to me than both you and I have ever imagined. I woke up one day and decided the possibilities were endless. I wasn’t going to let mediocrity keep me in chains any longer. More than anything, I wanted to discover what kind of creature was hiding inside this body. Who was she, how was she, what did she want, what was she afraid of, what did she have to do to improve herself, what made her special, how powerful could she become? how unrestrained? what did she stand for, how could she make a difference, what did she have to sacrifice, could she recreate and reshape who she already was, could there be no limit to who she misht become?

And for the first time in my life, I chose myself. I chose weirdness and chaos. I chose the complete opposite of everything you’ve ever told me I should be. I had just turned thirty-three.

Today, at almost thirty-four, my view of the world is exactly upside down from yours – friend, father, teacher, church, community, employer, government, ex lover – and I’ve never been more alive!

 

Riding the unknown through distant galaxies like a wild horse gives me both a story and a purpose, gives me meaning and it constantly teaches me humbleness, patience and endurance. I forgave you long time ago – I don’t hold grudges, but don’t ask me to come down. We may never find common ground again, it’s been too long – after all, we had thirty-two years to get to know each other. I was right there, in the same place you’d let me down many times before waiting for you to wake up, letting you get away with it, forgiving and forgetting and always happy to start over, but where the hell were you?

And, yes, I’m aware that my blouse is beyond crumbled…so?

 

Green Eyed Kisses,