On Awakening Pt.3

Now…once I decided that something in my life was extremely out of balance, that my anxiety limits had long been crossed, that nothing made sense anymore and nobody seemed willing to at least try to understand me, I turned to the only thing I had left: meditation.

It was definitely not my first time doing it – back in 2016, right before I decided to move to London, I actually enrolled into something called ”The School of Meditation” where I once had a very powerful encounter with one of my guardian angels (whose gift/message to me was a little box with a pair of eyes inside), but then the whole thing came to a halt when I left Bucharest – plus, I have a very spiritual god-mother whose daughter once took me to a river in Tuscany for a chakra healing, kundalini awakening and aura balance restoring session barefoot, in the ice-cold waters…but I guess my soul was perhaps not prepared for neither of those previous experiences – it just wasn’t the right time or maybe those exercises were only meant to awaken something in me until I’d really find myself at a crossroads and nothing else would work out…

And there I was, five years after my first spiritual experience, looking for different types of meditations on Youtube, from which I would randomly select one (something I felt was most needed, like intuition enhancement, or receiving answers from the Higher Self, or something that would become my favourite type of practise: sending gratitude to the Universe for everything that’s been, is and will be) and simply allow myself to be in that moment and disconnect from reality.

  

At first it all seemed a little unnatural, because my mind would often wander and whatever I did I couldn’t stop the flow of thoughts from pulsating back and forth in my head, but then it got easier. I was getting more in tune with myself and the present moment. I was able to actually relax. I was going deep into myself, asking questions and waiting for answers (and always receiving them, even if much later, perhaps in the form of an epiphany or a random thought, or a feeling), discovering things and gently stirring the waters. And, most importantly, I would find myself feeling so much at once, I simply couldn’t hold back my tears. I’d cry like a baby. Finally! After years and years of not allowing myself to be vulnerable and feel on the deepest of levels, tears would just start pouring out of my eyes and my body would shake and contort as the pain was finally being released.

At first, I thought that crying during meditation was strange and abnormal and as it turned out, it is the healthiest thing to happen to you as you’re healing and discovering your truth and purpose. I’ve learned that, just like everything else, truth is absolutely subjective and it’s ok for yours not to coincide with someone else’s. There is no right or wrong. There are no mistakes. There are only lessons. And believe me when I say that after a deep heart chakra opening crying session, I would actually feel myself getting stronger and stronger to the point that I now believe myself to be invincible…(not all the time though 🙂 And with the whole Universe within and all around, who wouldn’t?

I remember one meditation in particular, that was absolutely life changing, a pivotal moment in my spiritual awakening. I think it was one of Jeffrey Allen’s. The Voice was asking me to envision myself in a field abundant with flowers, walking deeper into that field, feeling the smell of grass and flowers in my nostrils, having everyone I’ve ever met in this lifetime gathered around me – as many faces as I could remember, be they someone I’ve only shared glances with once, a family member, or a friend whom I’ve come to know and care for.

Further on, the Voice was asking me to imagine a field filled with all these people I have one way or another come across with. Now, this is where a very interesting and unique thing happened to me – where I somehow stopped listening to the guide and created a whole different plot. It had never happened to me previous to that moment nor has it ever happened since. The only explanation to that episode was that my Higher Self had a completely different message for me.

So I don’t know what the Voice was saying, but I saw the field of people and they were all smiling at me, happy to have met me, proud of everything I had accomplished and how far I’ve come, and as if at a sign, they all started clapping for me.

Everyone was there: ex boyfriends, my stalkers, the people I’ve stalked, boys I’ve had crushes on but never knew I existed, my fifth grade Romanian teacher, my French teacher, fiends I’ve let down, best friends that have let me down, former bosses, family friends, mom, dad, aunties, two of my deceased grandparents, living acquaintances, Mia, a postal clerk, people from my current workplace, landlords, distant faces, and, of course, him clapping the hardest, the most love in his eyes, the proudest of them all.

I then saw a ladder to infinity where a white light was waiting for me to reach it. So I started climbing. from time to time I would look down as everyone  was gathered around the ladder, clapping for me, encouraging and being genuinely happy for me. I was going higher and higher, the light was becoming brighter and brighter. I was very close to it now. Right before stepping into it, I looked at all of them for one last time. They were all clapping for me and I was happy, the happiest I’d ever been, but my eyes locked with his for one last time and the only thing I could think about was “Of all these people, I would only take him with me up here. He is the only one I’d save.” And then I felt an overwhelming sadness at the thought that I couldn’t. I’d have to go there alone and leave him behind. He was not allowed up there. He was one of them…

  

And that’s how my vision went. It was the most powerful thing I’d ever experienced. I was still crying, convulsing in fetal position long after the images dissipated. The overwhelming emotions, the pain of not having been able to save him…were making my chest pound uncontrollably. I would rather have died right then and there than experience all that pain. And the first thought I had was “Ok, Raluca, this is it, you’d better prepare yourself for Death. The message couldn’t have been any clearer, you’re being prepared for it, you’re basically being told to follow the light when the moment comes. You’re dying soon and you’ll have to leave them all here. Including him. Oh my God, Raluca, that’s it for you, your mission here is almost complete, you’ve learned all the lessons you were supposed to, get ready and brace yourself. There’s nothing else you can do. You’ve been warned.”

Needless to say that vision freaked the shit out of me. But at least I knew what to do, I knew I had to be strong and just to come to terms with my mortality, because the Universe knows better, right? And…I kinda did, somehow Then, at some point, sooner rather than later I I’d have to find the best way to break the news to them, let them know that Death is not the end, that it’s actually only the beginning, that we shouldn’t cling on to life so desperately and just wait, maybe what’s waiting on the other side is a million times better and there must be a deeper meaning to it all. You know…prepare them.

But then, as time passed and I was starting to grasp that I was going through a spiritual awakening and not approaching death and that I couldn’t take everyone I loved with me, perhaps not anyone because they didn’t understand me, they couldn’t, they haven’t seen what I saw or felt what I felt, that vision received a totally different perspective and I had to become stronger than ever, because I was not dying, I was “just” ascending. And no one would be by my side.

Green Eyed Kisses,