On Awakening. Pt.2 (That Dress)

Ok…so we’ve gone through the worst part of an awakening, which is the waking up of the demons. Now, from what I understand, there are no general rules when it comes to awakenings. Everyone’s experience is absolutely unique the same way everyone’s Hell is absolutely subjective, therefore the only thing I can do is to remember my own experience and openly discuss it.

To me, the turning point was the moment I started preparing my wedding, about this time last year. The first sign that something was wrong was that one day I realized I was joyless. I managed to reserve a spot in one of the most beautiful and sought after venues near Bucharest, called “The wedding house”, it was all going according to plan, I found this amazing couple that would become our photographer/videographer, I even found the forgotten “list of songs for my wedding” that I had started in my early twenties and kept adding songs to ever since, because I always believed that at my wedding, the music would be more important than anything else – including the groom (kidding, but not quite) – so the DJ wouldn’t have to do much and still no fulfillment…nothing. No, not nothing. I was petrified. I was so scared, I started having nightmares. So scared, that when my wedding dress – which was almost perfect, all it needed were a few alterations – arrived, the first thing I did was to hang it on a wall, look at it and write a poem about how afraid I was of it.

  

THAT DRESS

A stranger,

hanging unnatural against the wall

That dress…

a wrinkled mass of silk

and ruffles

all that beauty

all that light

cursed

to only live one day, like mayflies and then programmed to slowly destroy itself,

forgotten about

disfigured

dismissed

somewhere, in a closet

never to be mentioned again

as time passes

and you, the most you’ll ever be

inside of it

can’t feel anything

but fear

and sadness

 

Sometimes, you two even engage in serious conversations

That dress…

is possessed

 

or so you imagine

“This is it, there’s no turning back.” she utters

“God, what have I done; is this a mistake?”

your blood runs cold with despair at the thought of it

but it’s too late now:

you’ve already said “Yes”.

 

That dress you don’t deserve

Is more alive than you’ve ever been

knows you better than you know yourself

inside and out

and will carry your secret to the grave – most likely, yours

 

Hanging unnatural against the wall

that dress,

your greatest doubt of all.

So five months after, having acknowledged I had some pretty evil creatures lying deep within me, having understood that the only way I could ever set myself free from them would be to fight till death – mine or theirs – either way, I was not willing to let them take over this body of mine so easily – having asked myself all the questions I’d been to afraid to ask (questions like “is that all there is to you? why exactly are you getting married for? is this life you’re creating what you want (what you really really want)? is this what real love is supposed to feel like? what have you both accomplished so far, together? are you only here because you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings? what are you feeling? if you could choose any story, would you still choose yours? if you could go back to where it all started…?” etc) having been told I was insane by everyone I knew, including my parents because, after all, “it’s quite common for a bride to be a little bit afraid of getting married, especially someone like you, who’s always been a wild horse”, having had weeks and weeks of foodless days and sleepless nights, having realized I was all alone in this, and nobody – and I mean nobody in the world would make the slightest effort to see my side of the story and perhaps show me a sign of compassion and trust and encouragement…I called off the wedding.

  

And that was the moment my life started again.

To be continued…

Green Eyed Kisses,