London. Love Post Covid-19

Four months have passed since I left you there, with more questions than answers, a room full of elephants and not enough air. I don’t know about you, but for me it was getting harder and harder to breathe in all that confusing energy. I was suffocating with uncertainty and the fear that, perhaps, everyone was actually right – I was going mad and everything was only in my head. And then, it was your silence that eventually broke me. I guess I mistook it for coldness and that made me more vulnerable that I could handle being at that time…

 

After all, I’ve left my guards down so naturally with you, like there never even seemed to have been any, revealed so much  – too much – of who I was to you hoping you’d eventually say something for me to cling to. But you couldn’t – not in the way I would have wanted you to, so I kept insisting and I apologize for not understanding you right away. It’s just that I somehow KNEW I wasn’t mad and it hurt a million times more when everyone around treated me like I was.

Despite my bravado, having no one to talk to made me feel very lonely. I went into self-isolation mode because I just didn’t feel like trusting anyone with my feelings and what I was going through…but I did trust you somehow. And I’m happy I did. I’m just sorry I didn’t listen as much as I talked. And I’ve always been a great listener, but not to you, not when it would have really mattered. I’m so sorry… God, I feel like such a cliché!

Four months have passed since I left and I thought I was doing alright and keeping my shit together pretty darn well – I was actually really proud of myself, although not a day went by without you in it, as a recurrent appearance almost to the point of becoming an obsession, or surrounding me subtly, like a warm, reassuring energy that you’re there and you’ve still got my back just like you always have. But I knew I couldn’t keep you with me for too long – someone  was waiting for you somewhere else, so every time you showed up again I’d bucker up, become light and guide you back home, then pick myself up, dust myself off and go on with my day.

 

Something strange has been happening to me lately though, where I almost don’t recognize myself. All the inner strength, the healing meditations, all that therapeutic writing I’ve been doing and the pretty little things I’ve been surrounding myself with – nothing seems to work anymore – I’m in pain. Deep pain. Like someone keeps choking me and I can’t breathe. Like someone repeatedly punches me in the stomach.There’s a certain heaviness in my chest and it’s not fear, depression or anxiety – I know what each feels like. This is a different kind of heaviness and it doesn’t feel like it’s mine. I keep waking up at three in the morning and can’t fall back asleep, because of an inexplicable sense of worry. My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, everything hurts. I know it may sound presumptuous of me – although I think we’re already past that phase – but I’m feeling you in all of this, somehow. And yes, I’m worried about you.

It took me four months to heal and release any leftover ego-based blockages I’ve been holding on to, that were preventing me from putting myself in your place and understanding the depths of what you have been going through – your own suffering, your side of the story, your efforts, your way of communicating the important things with me. I now realize I was so caught up in my own mind, I completely ignored the fact that we might have been different that way. I hope you can forgive me for not understanding you completely, I never wanted you to hurt; I wanted you to be happy, remember?

Some time ago, there was this hidden place in the room I used to watch you from, so you couldn’t see me. I’d ask myself what could all this love I was already feeling for you possibly turn into, if unrequited. Would it commit suicide or become bitter with frustration and impossibility, would it make for a very beautiful and long-lasting friendship? Would it burn out like a flame and make me wonder, disappointed but somehow relieved “was that all there was to it?”

I now have the answer and it’s none of the above. All that ridiculous amount of love has now expanded into even more of it – if that’s even possible. A love that allows me to see my mistakes clearly and fully own them, a love that is unconditional and selfless and deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced, a love that still teaches me new things everyday, a super love that grew me some huge lady cojones, a love so fairytale-like I don’t even care if it’s lopsided – what I’m feeling is absolutely enough to keep me believing in beauty and magic for the rest of my life,a love that makes me the most grateful woman in the world for having been given a chance at something much bigger than myself, a love so unreal, I don’t know how much more of it my little human heart could handle.

 

So, if you ever wonder about it, rest assured that you are loved immensely and always will be.

P.S. Happy birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything on that day, I didn’t know if you’d ever want to hear from me again. This is my gift to you…

And, once again, thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve taught me and thank you for having you to share all of this with.

And I don’t know about you, but after what we’ve been through, London will never be the same for me again.

Green Eyed Kisses and please, please take good care of your soul, I wish you could see how beautiful it is.