On God

Oh, yes, today we’ll be going on THAT journey and play with concepts most people consider too taboo to tackle publicly. But no, not me, I’m extremely tacklish by nature. I believe that anything can and should be discussed if the occasion presents itself. The more controversial the topic, the better – and nothing but truths here.

First of all, everything I’ll be talking about comes from personal experience. Some statements may be shocking, considered gibberish by some of you, or simply preposterous – I take full responsibility for every written word. I also don’t find it necessary to change or smooth out my opinions in order to become easier to swallow.

Let’s proceed and see how far the madness goes this time, shall we?

I’ve been going through tough stuff for some years now – like most people, right? – still, there is absolutely nothing I would change about my life. NADA. Everything had to happen in order for me to get to know my realest, illest (in a slang kinda way) self. That was the challenge all along, but it took me a while to get it.

For many years I “indulged” in isolation and depressive episodes followed by short moments of perfect bliss, sunk as low as I could have gotten – which now, come to think about it, wasn’t all that tragic, my Hell was never as horrifying as some other people’s, but, hey, still had to go through it and make it my bitch – questioned everything, met myself in hundreds of ways until I understood I had co-creational powers to the mess I was in, so I started building and rebuilding the many personas I had, almost as if I was in Split, but much less terrifying and a million times more useful. What I’ve come to understand was that we are not uni, but multi-dimensional. There are many many facets to our personalities. Take, for example, Whitney Houston’s “I’m every woman.” I haven’t gotten to that point yet, but at least I can say I am many, many women.

But in order to get to the place I’m at today and be able to access, play with, switch to and make every woman I am the best at her craft took me about five years of deep introspection and restlessness. And I’m still not quite there yet.

So here I stand, before thee, one of the many many women I’ve become, having formed my own opinions about some things most people consider important, as follows:

I don’t believe in religions any more. Actually, I have become skeptical about most of the things that are man-made. Chances are they’re flawed and/or based on ulterior motives such as personal gain, sneakiness, immediate reward, power and what have you. Chances are they’re products of gross manipulation, just to keep the many fearful, obedient and powerless. Whichever the case, I’d rather distance myself from such crowded places and stand alone in my own truth.

I don’t believe in bibles, priests or churches – as I mentioned in a previous article, God is more likely to be found in a bar on a cold winter night when nothing seems to be going as planned, than on a Sunday in church, sober and thinking about betting what’s left of your paycheck later at the tracks. God doesn’t like churches, priests or bibles either, they’re all tainted with the most horrible of sins. Still, a concert for Organ and choir is well worth the trouble of going to church from once in a while.

And now, to keep it short and on topic, a few words on some of the things I do believe in.

I believe that people mistake superstition for faith in God. Most of those abstaining from wrong-doings don’t act upon their instincts not because of an instant moral sense activation that’s preventing them from harming another, but because of fear of consequences/karma/divine retribution. And that’s not faith. Fear of punishment is the furthest thing from God there is.

If I may speak on His behalf – yes, we’ve developed a very strong bond, Him and I, I sometimes get to do that – He wants very few and simple things from us, really. He honestly doesn’t care if and how we fast, or how many pilgrimages we went on last year, how many dead saints body parts we’ve kissed or prayed to so far…He definitely doesn’t care if we’re gay, straight or asexual, pork, monkey brain or tarantula leg eaters, what football team we’re rooting for…

He just wants us to get to know ourselves and the unique constellation He put inside each of us so we’d never have to feel alone or bored to death as opposed to living entire lives as runners from self, which – my friends – is one of the greatest sins. Of course it would take a certain amount of courage to just jump into the personal unknown – things might get nasty and evil and we might not always like what we encounter along the way – but it’s all worth it if we find that divine spark somewhere in there – and we will eventually. We’ve all been given it. The only catch is that it’s buried underneath layers and layers of bullshit, anger and heavy ancestral stuff that needs to be cleansed and thrown away first.

He wants us to find our own path to happiness and relentlessly walk it and dare ask ourselves the important questions along the way, then wait patiently for the answers – which will come eventually – practice kindness every day not because we’re hoping for some reward or we assume someone’s always watching, but because it brings healing and it’s one of the easiest things to do in life – and whenever there is no possibility of being kind, at least don’t harm anyone. Also, God says revenge is for pussies.

How do I know all of these things?

Let’s just say I’ve met God. See, this is how I know He’s absolutely personal and subjective and my relationship with Him doesn’t require third parties such as books, priests, pastors or buildings with high rooftops and amazing acoustics. None of that manufactured crap. It’s just me and Him. I usually talk and He listens, but the roles are reversible.

I met Him at home, in bed, as I was crying my heart out, on a random January day and feeling an immense pain approaching, choking me like a heavy boot. I was familiar with that pain and the lack of air…it meant that the demons were very close. I acknowledged their presence and just as I was preparing to fight them, a prayer came bursting out of me. I don’t remember all the things I prayed for, all I know is that I had never prayed like that before in my life, nor could I ever recreate that moment since. It was both a prayer of gratitude and a desperate need for a God that would hear me and help me get through all that accumulating pain and darkness, I prayed for my soul, for freedom, for peace, for a little bit of light, for the demons to go away, I prayed for everyone I knew, prayed for answers, for humanity, for our collective unhappiness to be a little easier to bear…I must have gotten in some sort of trance. I’d never cried such hopeless, yet deeply cleansing tears before. I had no idea what I was doing anymore.

  

At that moment I felt my chest crack open (I clearly remember hearing a cracking sound) and something pouring in. It was a combination of warmth, deep peace, strength and an immense, uncontrollable love for myself and the whole world. That’s when I knew that whatever I was feeling, was God’s presence. There was no doubt about it. for the first time, I had Him there, inside me and all the fear, anxiety, darkness and emptiness had been replaced with unconditional love. The demons had also disappeared, never to appear again since.

It took me a few days to realize that what I had experienced was actually one of the first stages of a spiritual awakening and with it, I was also being given my long lost innocence back – which is a story for another day.

So, yeah, God is absolutely real. And subjective. I hope this motivates you to immediately start looking for yours. And if you don’t believe in Him, at least become one yourself.

Green Eyed Kisses,